Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, (as we understand Him.)

I am amazed at the difference in my body and my mind after just over two weeks of food-sobriety. Truly I have not ever gone two weeks without even one of the foods my body is addicted to. I have lost weight many times and have eaten “healthy” for months in a row; but not without cheating at some point, even in the first two weeks. I didn’t call it cheating, I justified it using the mantra we have been taught since birth, “everything is fine in moderation.” That is just not true. At least not for me, and not for someone addicted to unhealthy ingredients in processed foods. Moderate amounts of healthy, natural foods are great, but just as you wouldn’t feed on moderate amounts of arsenic, consuming moderate amounts of chemical preservatives, fillers and trans fats is not healthy and leads us off the path of food sobriety.

I bought into the idea, hook, line and sinker. It’s health-seeker-friendly actually, even though it is fallible. We would love to believe that if we usually eat healthy, here is nothing wrong with cheating once in a while. That works for millions of people, but it does not work for an addict. The idea of moderation made me believe that weight-loss and healthy eating were something I could manipulate and control through games of just- one-bite, okay, maybe one, and well, it’s a special occasion.  There was no way, as an addict, that I could limit myself to those games. Even IF I stopped at one in public, the binge that came later left me feeling like a failure and clouded with depression over my poor choice and lack of willpower.

My solution could be called bulemia by some, but I believe it was more of a symptom of the addiction. I could hide my binges if I kept losing weight. I could deny the lack of control, if there was one thing I could control. Yes, I am saying it…for the first time publicly. The binge/purge cycle that began in high-school never left my thoughts and while for years I did not surrender to the practice, as an adult in my late 30s and early 40s it became a controllable defense against the cycle of
addiction I had yet to realize.

I knew I had to stop. I couldn’t keep throwing up all the time without causing more damage to my body and it wasn’t working anyway. My weight loss had come to a stop and I was actually gaining weight, again. So, I stopped purging out of fear, but binges didn’t stop. I still craved my drug of choice; processed, sugary, fat laden foods.

Honesty is key. I have always known the scripture that tells us, “The truth will set you free,” I just never equated eating with dishonesty. Although, there is really no other way to describe baking a cake in the microwave, eating the whole thing and hiding the box in the bottom of the trash can so no one will notice. I cannot excuse telling the sixteen year old in the drive through that I was taking dinner to my husband in the field so they wouldn’t look at me funny when I ordered two extra value meals. Indeed my addiction had caused me to explain away odd behavior and unhealthy patterns, and in the thick of it, I didn’t even realize it was just plain dishonesty. I was not only addicted to those foods, I had become a liar too.

Today is different. This is a new day and a new life. I choose this day to walk in wholeness, wellness and food-sobriety. I choose to allow my will and my life to be fully in the care of God.  Today marks my 17^th day of food-sobriety and the completion of step 3 in the 12 step cycle. The bonus? As of this morning, sobriety has led to a 17-pound loss of unhealthy toxins and fats from the body that belongs to God, on loan to me for as long as HE wills. 

Step One...Admit That I Am Powerless Over...

Hello, my name is Pamela and I am addicted to food.

No, seriously, after months of watching for triggers that knock me off track and charting my habits with total honesty, I can honestly say I am addicted to foods that are destructive to my body. It always sounded like insanity when people talked about food addiction. It’s not like being addicted to drugs, tobacco, or alcohol; right? Everyone has to eat, right?

Most experts say that the key to health is to eat a nutritious diet, with a treat that’s not so healthy once in a while. It’s the all things in moderation theory. I know for a fact that works, for some people. However, I have known for years that this methodology does not work for me. I am an all or nothing person when it comes to eating. I can do very well eating healthy, losing weight, staying in the mindset that I will not eat things that are not good for me. That is, until I am in a situation where the only thing available is what is not good for me…or if the thing that is healthy is something I don’t like. Then, I am off and running headlong into a junk food binge. I see it happening, I know what I am doing, I know I should not, I understand the results of the behavior; but I want it so badly at that moment that I begin to justify immediately. I say things like, “Okay, I’ll start again tomorrow.” “I’ll just have one.” “Next time I’ll be more prepared for the limited menu.” On and on it goes, but I don’t stop at one, and sometimes it takes months before my new start “tomorrow” actually happens.

It is like an alcoholic who has been sober for a year, who suddenly finds himself toasting at a wedding, thinking one drink of champagne won’t hurt, then hits the liquor store on the way home and binges on Crown Royal for the next six weeks. Yes, an addiction to food is just like that. At least it is for me.

I began looking back over all of the times I have started to take better care of my health through proper nutrition and exercise and all the times I have failed. I have lost tons of weight over the years, been extremely excited about my progress and completely  committed to living the rest of my life with those healthy habits. And then, I take my nephew through a drive through, smell the fragrance of grease, salt and low quality meat…and there I go…I find myself ordering a super-sized value meal, knowing the whole time I don’t need it, and worse than that , I don’t even like it. Yes, that is what made me look more closely at the possibility of an addiction. I don’t like the way most of those foods taste, I don’t like the way they feel in my mouth, I don’t like the guilt I feel after I eat them, yet I am drawn to them in the largest possible packaging. It is truly unexplainable, even to myself.

While I was looking at my strange food behaviors, I started to think back to the days when I attended some NA and AA meetings with a friend to support her in her recovery. I was not addicted to those things, and I truly didn’t understand how they could sit there and say how much drugs or alcohol had ruined their lives, how much damage it had done to their bodies and how much they didn’t even like the taste or the out of control feelings; yet they couldn’t stop going back to it. Why would anyone keep doing something so harmful if they didn’t enjoy every part of the experience?

For more photos and information
 about this experiment click here.

Looking at my food addiction, I still don’t understand they why, but I do understand the how. I have a lot more research to do into food addiction, I wonder if it has something to do with the preservatives in the foods we eat? I know fast food is loaded with preservatives to give it a longer shelf life. Have you seen those experiments where they take a burger, donut, or similar foods and put them on a shelf for a few weeks? The dry up, get hard, and sit there looking very similar to the way they did when they were fresh. They don’t even mold. One time, I pulled a fast food bag from under the seat of my car. I don’t know how many months it had been there. I am sure I stuffed it there to keep anyone from seeing I had been through the chain’s drive through. I opened it out of curiosity, and there it was, a partially eaten hamburger, still in-tact. I was shocked. Again, I didn’t give it too much thought until recently. Is it the preservatives I am addicted to? A few weeks ago, as I shoved a guilt ridden, filled sponge cake into my mouth, I thought “Wow, this doesn’t even taste good.” But I ate it anyway, and then at the other two that were waiting in the bonus pack. Even typing it now sounds absurd to me. I thought I was insane, but suddenly a light came on and I realized it must be something in these foods that keeps me coming back, almost mindlessly to eat them over and over again. If I stay completely away from anything processed or “fast” food. I don’t have the same problem. I can eat things I cook myself in moderation. I can order fresh foods from larger restaurants and be satisfied with a small serving, even taking a to go box many times. It is only the processed, fast-food products that cause me to fall off the food-wagon.

I made a list of the foods I like the taste of from fast food restaurants.

Berry Smoothie

Apple dippers

But those are not the foods I order. 

Then I made a list of the processed foods I like. Things like processed frozen entrees, boxed dinners and snack cakes.

Hmmm…there was nothing I could put on that list except dark chocolate bars…which are technically not an extremely processed food…and if I eat one, I can eat it over a day, and when it’s gone I don’t NEED another right away. Yet, I purchase and consume other products regularly if I am not forcing myself to avoid them.

Yep…a short list indeed. I honestly don’t like the taste of fast food. But, if I go to a fast food restaurant with a friend, or because it’s more fun for my nieces and nephews to get a toy with their meal, I will order and I will eat it all…even as I am thinking about how much I don’t like the taste. Then, for the next several weeks, I will crave that food, and am likely to make several stops to get it. Unless I absolutely force myself to avoid it, I will not. Once I have not eaten it for a few weeks, I don’t even want it…until the next time circumstances take me there. It is a vicious cycle that looks so much like those I met in NA and AA that I cannot explain it in any way other than to call it an addiction.

I still have a lot of research to do about this issue…but for today, I am taking care of my body. I am choosing to live and not to eat things I know are not good for me. Today I am back to my healthy habits and creating a lifestyle that will help me avoid the triggers of this addiction.

If you are struggling with this too, I invite you to join me in this journey.

Step one: Admit that I am powerless over this addiction.

Keep coming back. It works if you work it.