Let's Dance

Hi my name is Pamela and I am a recovering addict.

Wow, I can hardly believe 28 days have passed since I first posted about this addiction. Today is my 29^th day of food-sobriety and I feel terrific. I never knew I could feel so free while taking better care of myself. In AA and NA they use the serenity prayer as a mantra in each meeting. I decided to start each day incorporating that into my morning talks with my Heavenly Father. ­

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, (like the ingredients in processed food that triggers a binge in my body, or the fact that stress can be a trigger for me too.) The courage to change the things I can (I can change the way I react to those triggers and I can change what I eat so that most of those triggers are avoided. I can get enough sleep, and drink enough water so that my body is operating fully charged and fueled properly) and the wisdom to know the difference (I must do what I can do this day, this moment, unless I am healthy and walking in food sobriety, I cannot be useful to anyone else.)

Step 4 says this, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

When I first read it I didn’t think that really applied to food addiction. I mean, overall I am one of the most moral people I know. I don’t even watch TV that has violence or illicit sexual themes, I don’t get drunk, I don’t use drugs, I don’t usually cuss, I love my country, my mama and my dog, I don’t cheat on my husband…Yep, I could go on and on. Moral inventory seemed more appropriate for people who struggle with bad morals. But, I want to do this with integrity, so I decided to ask God to show me anything I needed to recognize as immoral in my life, or anything that was hindering me from the freedom to live healthy and food-wise in sobriety.

We tend to label things according to what we find to be moral, but none of us is without sin, therefore no one is completely moral. Lusting after Nutty Bars, Committing Gluttony with French onion dip, following a binge with sloth thereby keeping every calorie preserved in our hips and many other practices of the food-addict are all immoral by God’s standard. If we really allow God to show us the truth of our lives and take that FEARLESS moral inventory, we will recognize the things we CAN change with the help of God.

The good thing is, I already took a moral inventory at the same time I admitted my powerlessness over this addiction in step one. The hard part is, there is still more God is revealing to me as I walk in my sobriety and these steps are not a group of instructions that you follow one at a time until you have worked all 12. All 12 have to be worked all the time. Initially you have to come to understand them one at a time, but I believe these steps are more like a dance than a lesson plan. Thankfully most dances I know don’t have 12 steps to learn, but this life of sobriety is like, 1-2-3-Kick…repeat.  Every day that I dance in food sobriety is a day closer to understanding how much God can use me when I am not under bondage to unhealthy foods and stress induced habits.

Let’s dance!

Week One...

Hi, my name is Pamela and I am addicted to unhealthy food.

Here I am, one week into recovery and I have lost 9 pounds. I have not counted calories, I have not measured things, I have not "dieted". I have simply started each day committing to food sobriety. There were a few times that it was a little bit challenging. I'm not going to lie, this journey to healthy wholeness is not going to be without temptation or speed bumps. But, it is completely necessary if I am going to live past 50. (That's only 6 years away...Yikes)

My first hurdle of the week came Friday morning. I was heading home from work and was suddenly so hungry. I had eaten breafkast, but it was almost lunchtime, but my reaction surprised me. My brain immediately started gps-ing the closest fast food drive through. It was like a map was broadcast in my head. This time though, I did not see that as a response to hunger, but as a response to addiction. Yes, I needed to eat fairly soon, but I was not going to die without an immediate food fix. I could drive home and walk to the kitchen in order to satisfy my hunger. Whew, situation averted, food-sobriety in check.

The second hurdle was Sunday Morning at church. No, I was NOT tempted to raid the communion closet for crackers. I was however, positioned in a room very close to three boxes of donuts. I was visiting our youth Sunday School for a new column I'm writing for a magazine in the teen market. I was the first one in the classroom other than whomever had delivered the sweet treats for the class. The smell of sugared bread filled the room. My mouth watered. I went to sit at the table furthest from the donuts, and sipped my bottle of water while I waited for the class to get there. Of course that only added to the scene. As soon as the teens arrived it was a donut  frenzy. Powedered sugar everywhere,  muffled voices talking with their mouths full of pastry, cream and frosting. I was doing okay though, My water was nearly empty and I felt full enough to ignore my brain's direction to "just have one, it's no big deal." Soon the teacher took control of his class, and introduced me so that I could talk to the kids. Whew, I made it...food-sobriety in tact one more time.

Driving home from church I reflected on the morning. I won't conquer this addiction one day at a time. It must be achieved one moment at a time. Making the right choice and committing my will to the power of God in my life at each turn is the only way I am going to stop the cycle of addiction in my life.

At home that afternoon I did something I hadn't done in years. I allowed myself to take a nap. Growing up our whole family enjoyed a little Sunday Siesta after church, but as an adult I always feel guilty if I take a nap. But, I have noticed, that when I am very tired, I will eat out of a desire to refuel, often choosing sugary or starchy foods thinking I need the energy. What if I truly just need a little rest? Indeed, I felt refreshed and ready to finish the day after my slumber. But, I woke up a little past when I should have started cooking supper for my hubby. The solution? Call the Pizza Place.

Oh boy...here we go...I'm sure I am the only one to ever do this, but I usually cannot make it home with a full pizza. The smell get's the best of me and I always lift the lid and pull out a slice on the drive home. I know, it's crazy, but it has been a very real part of this food addiction for years. We live 30 minutes from the nearest pizza place, and sadly, I have consumed half of a pizza by the time I hit my drive way on more than one occasion. It's embarrassing to admit it...but it's true. So, I had to go pick up the pizza for the family. Before I left I decided what I was having for supper so I could look forward to that, hoping it would keep me from falling into the pizza box.

It worked. I put the pizza in the back seat where I could not easily reach it and it made it home with every piece in place. I'm not saying I can never have a slice of pizza without falling of the food wagon, but I certainly don't need to mindlessly munch on the drive home.

My dinner was watermelon and it was so good. After I ate that I did enjoy a slice of pizza, but not half the pie. And, I skipped the meat-lovers for a slice filled with veggies. I was shocked that just a slice could be satisfying, but eating it rationally, after filling up on healthier choices, allowed me to actually enjoy it. Sometimes HOW we eat is as important as WHAT we eat.

So, the result after the first week? I am still addicted to food, but I have achieved one week of food-sobriety and I will continue to walk in that for another day, week, month, year...hopefully the rest of my life. If I can do this, so can you.

Keep coming back, it works if we work it.